Why I Will Always Be Single

I promise this won’t turn into one of those whiny posts where I just complain about how I’m too ugly for anyone to love me. I don’t really believe in the concept of ugly. It sounds really philosophical or like I’m trying to be kind, but to me the main thing that makes a person unattractive to me is their personality. If we want to delve into my ‘type’, arrogance is my number one turn-off. I can’t deal with arrogant people. Confident is good, but not cocky. Beyond that, it gets a bit blurry. I’m into both boys and girls (I’ll make a separate post about that at some point), and I like different things depending on which I’m crushing on. In boys, I like them to be taller than me (I’m very tall, so it’s rare), I want them to take charge, I kind of want a typical old-school relationship where the boys asks the girl out and the boy always makes the first move. With girls it’s kind of the exact opposite. It’s a stereotype in gay relationships that one person has to be the ‘man’, but I do like to take on the traditionally masculine role with other girls i.e. I want to make the first move and do the asking out, and I’m into girls who are small and usually quite girly.

This is all purely hypothetical, of course. Because I’ve never actually had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Never mind that, I haven’t even had my first kiss (unless we’re counting the ‘boyfriend’ I had when I was 7, who I only liked because I thought he had funny hair. I don’t tend to count that). I’m the only person I know who is in that situation who doesn’t have a reason for it (I have a friend who is asexual, I have other friends who are very religious and aren’t really allowed to date). But potentially the weirdest part about that is, it isn’t surprising to me. The prospect of being in a relationship is just so odd to me.

Most of my friends had quite bad introductions to the world of romance. A few had ‘boyfriends’ in like Year 8, which meant they texted every now and again, sat next to each other if they were in a big group, and said ‘I love you’ after about 10 minutes. Then we got to about Year 10, and people started having parties that included alcohol. Most people I know had their first kisses or even sexual experiences at one of those parties (inevitably in the corner of a crowded room with photos all over Snapchat). That doesn’t sound like much fun to me, having your first kiss with someone you barely know when you’re blackout drunk. However, the choice was never really given to me, as I’ve never been invited to one of those parties. I don’t want this to turn into a sob story, but I don’t really have a lot of friends, and I’ve never been part of the ‘popular’ crowd, so I’ve never really been to a party like that.

My point is, I’m not in a position where I have easy opportunities to meet potential boyfriends (I’ve given up on the prospect of getting a girlfriend for now, everyone I know is straight. Maybe when I go to uni). The problem with that is, the only way it would ever be possible for me to have a relationship is if it built up really slowly, kind of without me noticing. Like, we were just friends and then it went from there. I cannot cope with strangers talking to me. My actual worst nightmare is someone I don’t know trying to chat me up. It makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. It doesn’t happen often. I’m not like horrifically ugly or anything. I’m quite chubby, which is enough to put most guys off, but like I said, anyone is pretty to certain people, people are just looking for different things.

I’ll give you an example. A few months ago, I was bowling with my family, and I noticed a guy looking at me. I didn’t find him particularly attractive, but that’s kind of beside the point. Just the fact that he was looking at me made me feel sick. I just wanted to leave. After about half an hour of him looking at me and me trying to avoid looking at him, I caught his eye by accident and he asked for my number. He was quite a few years older than me, so I cited that as a reason for saying no to him, but it was awful. I know a lot of girls love that sort of thing, but I hate it. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. I’m really confident most of the time, but somehow I just dissolve in the face of male attention. I suppose it’s just because it’s not something I’ve encountered before. I’m not sure what I’m so afraid of. I think there’s always a little fear in my mind that they will turn nasty if I say no, but I can’t say yes. I honestly think one of the main reasons is that I’m scared they’re winding me up. It has happened before that people have flirted with me as a joke, and then gone laughing to their mates about it.

I’m trying to psychoanalyse myself here, but I think the biggest problem is that, as I said before, everyone is worthy of love. That just doesn’t apply to me. In 16 years, I don’t know of anyone who isn’t my grandma who has ever even thought I was pretty. I think I’ve just taken it to mean I’m unlovable. This isn’t me begging for sympathy or anything like that, but that’s just how I feel. I know in the rational part of my brain that if I wait long enough, eventually someone will like me, but I know that if that is anytime soon, I won’t be able to accept it. I saw a quote once that was like ‘We accept the love we think we deserve’. I think I deserve none, so I accept none. At the moment, this isn’t something I have control over. I also feel like, if someone ever did want to date me, it would be because they felt that they couldn’t do any better, and so would settle for me. I can’t imagine anything worse. I’d vastly rather be single.

I’m not sure if any of that made any sense whatsoever, but as always, it’s 2am and I’m rambling, but this is the only time I ever write blog posts so you’re gonna have to get used to it. If you’ve made it this far, thank you very much for reading all of this crap. Please give the post a like, and follow my blog if you want. I’ll be posting more in this next week, and I’ll sort out the appearance of it and the other pages when I have a bit more time. If you could, please leave a comment, maybe giving me some advice on how to sort out this problem, or sharing similar experiences, or maybe just make me feel jealous of your wonderful relationship. I love reading comments, it’s one of my favourite things to do, so if you could take a minute out of your day it would really make mine. Thank you again for reading this, and I’ll see you later.

Thoughts: Manchester Attack

I’m a bit late in writing this, as it will probably be two days since the attack when you’re reading this. As you may know, I only started my blog yesterday, and I needed time to collect my thoughts before I could write them down. Whenever an atrocity like this happens, it shocks us all, and the first things we say are often not our true opinions, but anger or fear in the heat of the moment. I wanted to eliminate that bias, as much as possible, before writing this for you.

If for some reason any of you don’t know what happened, in short, a man carried out a suicide bombing in the foyer of an arena in Manchester, as people were leaving an Ariana Grande concert. At the time of writing 22 are confirmed dead, including several children, the youngest of whom was 8 years old, and 59 are injured and have been/are being treated in hospital.

The thing that made this attack different from others, for me personally, is that it is close to home. I live about an hour’s drive from Manchester, and I knew people who were at that concert (all unharmed, thankfully). People complain (and understandably so) that people in western countries only care about attacks that happen near to them, and whilst that isn’t a good thing, it is understandable. We don’t want to acknowledge that tragedies happen, and they’re much easier to ignore when they’re far away. When they happen a few miles from where you live, you can’t ignore it, and it hits you much harder. We should all care about all the suffering in the world, but there’s too much. Sometimes you are forced to focus on what is happening around you.

I am very shaken up, so I can’t imagine how survivors, injured people and families of the victims must be feeling. It was an abhorrent act of extreme cowardice, targeting primarily young girls who would have been at the concert. However, as well as doing everything in our power to support the victims and their families, I think the most important thing for people who feel involved but are not, at least directly, to be doing, is to look at where we are directing our anger. It is perfectly natural to be angry, but the person we should be angry at is dead, so sometimes we try to find other places to direct our anger. The man was allegedly an Islamic extremist, and so-called Islamic State have taken responsibility for the attack (although in my opinion, they take credit for anything like this in order to look more powerful, regardless of whether they actually had any input or not). I want to stress something to you. Muslims are not terrorists. Muslims are not the enemy.

Just imagine that you’ve woken up to hear about the tragedy this morning, like everyone else. You’re shocked and devastated, of course, that someone could do something like that, but on top of the empathy you feel for others, you know that now your life is at risk, because it is almost certain that members of your community will be attacked as ‘justice’ or ‘revenge’ for the attack that you had nothing to do with. This is the way many obviously Muslim (e.g. women who wear the hijab or niqab, men who wear the jubba – apologies if names are wrong, I’m no expert) people will be feeling. Is that fair?

I know that it’s awful, and I’m in no way denying that, but blaming an entire community for the actions of one or a few of its members accomplishes nothing, and only serves to alienate people who could be some of our closes allies in fighting the disease that is terrorism. No one rushes to blame all white people or all Christians every time a neo-Nazi murders someone. Muslims are no more linked to Islamist terrorists than Christians are linked to Nazis. If you need further reason to believe what I’m saying, Donald Trump thinks all Muslims are terrorists. Donald Trump thinks that all Mexicans are rapists. Donald Trump is a judgemental moron. Don’t be like Donald Trump. That’s all.

 

Hi.

Magical_Lights

(The picture is in no way relevant to what I’m going to write, but I thought a pretty picture might catch your eye and encourage you to read what I’m writing. Clearly it worked, if you’re reading this.)

Hi.

I’m Emily. This is my blog.

This is harder than I thought. I promise I am capable of writing with some degree of fluency, but I’ve never been particularly good at introducing myself. It always makes me feel like I’m in one of those awful meeting things where they make you sit in a circle and say one interesting fact about yourself. Why do they do that? (I don’t know who ‘they’ are either, just go with it) In a way, I suppose, it’s quite clever. It bonds the group together over a shared awkward experience. Cruel, but clever. What would your interesting fact be? Mine would probably be that I was on TV last year (long story. I might tell you another time, if I remember).

Well, as least I’ve started writing. An awkward introduction and an irrelevant tangent? Welcome to What Emily Thinks. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s likely to be more of the same in the future. I like to write about specific topics, which is maybe why I’m struggling now. I started this blog because I have more opinions than I have friends to vent them to, so I’m just gonna write them here. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to be writing about. I’m very interested in politics, so there’s likely to be some of that. I don’t pretend to be an expert, but my opinions are as valid as anyone else’s. If I’m being particularly stupid, feel free to point it out to me and I’ll correct myself, but otherwise just leave me to my ranting. Debate with me if you wish. I love arguing, particularly when I’m convinced that I’m right (which is most of the time). I also like to write about health services, particularly the NHS and the state of mental health support, so that’ll be making an appearance too. There might be some advice, or just some thoughts on the news or whatever. Be prepared for me to post at the weirdest times. I usually write blog posts late at night, and I usually just click publish as soon as I finish writing. This also means I’m sometimes half-asleep when writing, so any nonsense could appear. What’s life without a bit of mystery?

Basically, I started this blog now because I’m doing exams, and I’m on study leave, and since I have no interest in revising I have too much time on my hands. There is only so much Good Morning Britain you can watch without hoping Piers Morgan has a heart attack live on air (I feel like this after 30 seconds). So, I’m going to blog in my spare time, and if anyone chooses to read it, then that’s a bonus.

I don’t really understand the format of this website, so if likes and comments are things you can do, then do that, I suppose. I’m sure I’ll figure this out at some point. Like I said, I write when I should be asleep – it’s currently half past midnight and I’m borderline delirious, so excuse my technological ineptitude. I’m not sure how often I’ll be posting to this blog, as making any sort of schedule is the surest way to make sure I never post again. I’ll post when I have time, or when I have an idea, or when I’m in the right mood. We’ll see. Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you again soon.

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