I promise this won’t turn into one of those whiny posts where I just complain about how I’m too ugly for anyone to love me. I don’t really believe in the concept of ugly. It sounds really philosophical or like I’m trying to be kind, but to me the main thing that makes a person unattractive to me is their personality. If we want to delve into my ‘type’, arrogance is my number one turn-off. I can’t deal with arrogant people. Confident is good, but not cocky. Beyond that, it gets a bit blurry. I’m into both boys and girls (I’ll make a separate post about that at some point), and I like different things depending on which I’m crushing on. In boys, I like them to be taller than me (I’m very tall, so it’s rare), I want them to take charge, I kind of want a typical old-school relationship where the boys asks the girl out and the boy always makes the first move. With girls it’s kind of the exact opposite. It’s a stereotype in gay relationships that one person has to be the ‘man’, but I do like to take on the traditionally masculine role with other girls i.e. I want to make the first move and do the asking out, and I’m into girls who are small and usually quite girly.
This is all purely hypothetical, of course. Because I’ve never actually had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Never mind that, I haven’t even had my first kiss (unless we’re counting the ‘boyfriend’ I had when I was 7, who I only liked because I thought he had funny hair. I don’t tend to count that). I’m the only person I know who is in that situation who doesn’t have a reason for it (I have a friend who is asexual, I have other friends who are very religious and aren’t really allowed to date). But potentially the weirdest part about that is, it isn’t surprising to me. The prospect of being in a relationship is just so odd to me.
Most of my friends had quite bad introductions to the world of romance. A few had ‘boyfriends’ in like Year 8, which meant they texted every now and again, sat next to each other if they were in a big group, and said ‘I love you’ after about 10 minutes. Then we got to about Year 10, and people started having parties that included alcohol. Most people I know had their first kisses or even sexual experiences at one of those parties (inevitably in the corner of a crowded room with photos all over Snapchat). That doesn’t sound like much fun to me, having your first kiss with someone you barely know when you’re blackout drunk. However, the choice was never really given to me, as I’ve never been invited to one of those parties. I don’t want this to turn into a sob story, but I don’t really have a lot of friends, and I’ve never been part of the ‘popular’ crowd, so I’ve never really been to a party like that.
My point is, I’m not in a position where I have easy opportunities to meet potential boyfriends (I’ve given up on the prospect of getting a girlfriend for now, everyone I know is straight. Maybe when I go to uni). The problem with that is, the only way it would ever be possible for me to have a relationship is if it built up really slowly, kind of without me noticing. Like, we were just friends and then it went from there. I cannot cope with strangers talking to me. My actual worst nightmare is someone I don’t know trying to chat me up. It makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. It doesn’t happen often. I’m not like horrifically ugly or anything. I’m quite chubby, which is enough to put most guys off, but like I said, anyone is pretty to certain people, people are just looking for different things.
I’ll give you an example. A few months ago, I was bowling with my family, and I noticed a guy looking at me. I didn’t find him particularly attractive, but that’s kind of beside the point. Just the fact that he was looking at me made me feel sick. I just wanted to leave. After about half an hour of him looking at me and me trying to avoid looking at him, I caught his eye by accident and he asked for my number. He was quite a few years older than me, so I cited that as a reason for saying no to him, but it was awful. I know a lot of girls love that sort of thing, but I hate it. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. I’m really confident most of the time, but somehow I just dissolve in the face of male attention. I suppose it’s just because it’s not something I’ve encountered before. I’m not sure what I’m so afraid of. I think there’s always a little fear in my mind that they will turn nasty if I say no, but I can’t say yes. I honestly think one of the main reasons is that I’m scared they’re winding me up. It has happened before that people have flirted with me as a joke, and then gone laughing to their mates about it.
I’m trying to psychoanalyse myself here, but I think the biggest problem is that, as I said before, everyone is worthy of love. That just doesn’t apply to me. In 16 years, I don’t know of anyone who isn’t my grandma who has ever even thought I was pretty. I think I’ve just taken it to mean I’m unlovable. This isn’t me begging for sympathy or anything like that, but that’s just how I feel. I know in the rational part of my brain that if I wait long enough, eventually someone will like me, but I know that if that is anytime soon, I won’t be able to accept it. I saw a quote once that was like ‘We accept the love we think we deserve’. I think I deserve none, so I accept none. At the moment, this isn’t something I have control over. I also feel like, if someone ever did want to date me, it would be because they felt that they couldn’t do any better, and so would settle for me. I can’t imagine anything worse. I’d vastly rather be single.
I’m not sure if any of that made any sense whatsoever, but as always, it’s 2am and I’m rambling, but this is the only time I ever write blog posts so you’re gonna have to get used to it. If you’ve made it this far, thank you very much for reading all of this crap. Please give the post a like, and follow my blog if you want. I’ll be posting more in this next week, and I’ll sort out the appearance of it and the other pages when I have a bit more time. If you could, please leave a comment, maybe giving me some advice on how to sort out this problem, or sharing similar experiences, or maybe just make me feel jealous of your wonderful relationship. I love reading comments, it’s one of my favourite things to do, so if you could take a minute out of your day it would really make mine. Thank you again for reading this, and I’ll see you later.
What Emily Thinks... 